


godfeels 2, part 1: bittersweet june

by SarahZedig



Series: godfeels, or: "i dreamed of feeling better" [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Coming Out, Earth C (Homestuck), Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Retcon Timeline, Sadstuck, Trans Female Character, Trans John Egbert, Transgender, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-06 13:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20507669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahZedig/pseuds/SarahZedig
Summary: Your name is John Egbert, and now you know you're human... so why do you still feel empty?





	1. Chapter 1

John: jade...  
Jade: hm?  
John: i think i just realized something.  
Jade: what?  
John: THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!!!

Jade looks at you with surprise, but you hardly notice. For the last forty minutes or so, a feeling's been building in your gut. You were so excited to finally revisit Con Air with your sister, to show her this essential piece of yourself and proudly exalt in its brilliance and charm. But with each passing second, your expectant mood of a cathartic rush is overtaken by a gnawing sensation that the movie isn't actually the puzzle piece you thought it was. 

Puzzle piece. What do you mean by that, John? 

Jade: whaaat  
Jade: but you love this movie!  
John: yeah, i know.  
John: i mean... i thought i did.  
John: it's been kind of a long time since i last saw it. i really remember it being a lot better than this!  
John: but now everything just seems so cheesy and stupid.

Cheesy and stupid, you think. Not like you. This was supposed to be revelatory, not a joke! You wanted her to see something, and maybe you... you wanted to see something too. But it wasn't there. You're struck by the thought that it maybe never was. 

Jade: but you were making such a big deal about finally getting me to watch it with you on your birthday!  
Jade: you were going on and on about how i wouldn't be disappointed... but now youre saying you dont like it?  
John: i don't know. i'm trying to like it. i WANT to like it.

Two years on this ship. Two years waiting. Nothing has changed! Sburb may as well have been yesterday. So why is this different? Why isn't this the same as it was? 

John: i want to feel the same magic that was there all the other times i watched it.  
John: but i can't, because...  
John: it's just...  
John: not...  
John: good. :(

You look at Jade and see in her eyes that she's conflicted. She looks concerned somehow, but you can't pinpoint what that could mean. For a moment you think she means to reach out and comfort you, but nothing happens. But what's to comfort? This is silly. It's just a dumb movie! 

Right? 

Jade: really?  
Jade: i was actually kind of enjoying it!  
Jade: its very silly  
Jade: i really dont think its the kind of movie youre supposed to take all that seriously john  
John: but i DID take it seriously!!!

You remember watching Con Air over and over, wishing you could be like Cameron Poe. Hoping one day you'd have that kind of masculine toughness, that joyful disregard, that mullet. He was everything you thought a man should be. You wished your dad would come to you after such a harrowing endeavor and deliver to you a filthy bunny in a crummy box. 

You remember thinking about that a lot. Wishing you could be that cool. Wishing you could be that strong. Wishing you knew how. Because if you could be that person, then maybe... 

But now it all seems stupid. Shallow. You start to feel embarrassment at your past self for ever deluding himself like that. What an idiot! How could he have possibly gotten anything from this mess of a movie? 

John: i guess maybe that's kind of the point.  
John: i always thought all this hokey bullshit was legitimately awesome and compelling  
John: what was i even thinking!  
Jade: i dunno....  
Jade: but people can change their minds about things  
Jade: i think youre allowed to change your mind about a silly movie  
Jade: we never stop changing john even when nothing is happening  
Jade: you cant capture a perfect life in a bottle and pretend that you will always be happy  
John: what? wait, this is...  
Jade: eventually you will have to go outside and make new memories  
Jade: you cant hide in your childhood forever  
John: this isn't right. what's going on?

You're on the golden ship soaring through paradox space, sitting on your dad's couch surrounded by Nanasprite's cakes. Consorts are glubbing, and Nic Cage says something dumb on the tv. Jade is looking at you with pleading eyes. That's where you are. 

Then you're not. 

Like someone flipped a switch, everything goes dark. No more sound. No stars. Fear bubbles up into the back of your throat. 

Out in the darkness, you see it: the infinite cycle of universes birthed and dying and remade. From this far out, it looks like someone lit one of those gargantuan chains of firecrackers. You can practically smell the sulfur. 

Someone says your name, and you feel the hair stand up on the back of your neck. 

You turn your head slowly. You know this voice. Why do you know this voice? 

John, they say. You see them concealed in shadow as you face their direction. Wait... 

Those red shoes. Blue jeans. Long grey jacket. Black shirt. 

Light flashes on the lens of her glasses. 

Vriska: W8ke up, John.

\---- 

You wake up. 

For a moment you're confused, displaced from reality. Where are you? Where's Jade? Where's... 

You sit up and look around, trying to find her- but as you take in the banality of your surroundings, calm washes slowly over you. It was a dream. Of course it was a dream. 

It's dark in Rose and Kanaya's living room, and their couch hasn't done your back any favors. The place smells like lavender incense, and there are books everywhere. 

How late is it? You pull out your phone, swipe aside a few dozen messages from Dave, and see that it's 3:03 AM. You click off your phone and fall backwards onto the couch with a groan. 

Another sleepless night. You press your palms into your eyes as if to will yourself unconscious again, but it's no use. You're already wide awake. Your arms plop down and you take a long, deep breath. It's so quiet in this house. There's some low level hum, maybe from a pipe in the walls. You think you can hear Rose snoring gently, but it's hard to tell. 

Vriska. How long has it been since you thought about her? She was barely a part of your life at all, you were friends for what, a day? It's been so many years since then, and yet seeing her again... 

Your phone dings. When you check it, you see a message from Terezi. 

\----

Terezi: W4K3 UP N3RD  
John: huh...  
Terezi: WH4T?  
John: oh, nothing. i uh, i had a weird dream and it ended with...  
John: well, it ended with vriska telling me to wake up.  
John: w8ke up*  
Terezi: OH >:|  
John: funny coincidence, huh?  
John: anyway how are you?  
Terezi: D1D SH3 S4Y 4NYTH1NG 3LS3?  
John: i mean... no? she just said my name a couple times.  
Terezi: HMM  
Terezi: Y34H TH4T SOUNDS L1K3 SOM3TH1NG 4N 3N1GM4T1C B1TCH L1K3 H3R WOULD DO  
Terezi: DO YOU DR34M 4BOUT H3R OFT3N? >;]  
John: what? no. this is the first time i've thought about her in a long time.  
John: except i guess when i'm talking to you.  
Terezi: WH4T3V3R YOU S4Y JOHN CRUSHB3RT  
John: i don't have a crush!  
Terezi: TH4T'S 3X4CTLY WH4T 4 HUM4N W1TH 4 CRUSH WOULD S4Y  
Terezi: 4ND 4 FLUSH3D ON3 4T TH4T!  
Terezi: SC4ND4LOUS  
John: says the girl who's spent the last couple years alone in space trying to find her!  
Terezi: Y34H W3LL  
Terezi: SOM3 OF US KNOW WH4T W3 W4NT  
Terezi: 4T L34ST 1'M NOT PR3T3ND1NG  
John: sigh.  
John: is this why you texted me?  
John: another terezi-brand roasting of my insecurities?  
Terezi: NO, TH4T'S JUST 4 BONUS >:]  
Terezi: 1 T3XT3D YOU B3C4US3  
Terezi: >:f  
John: what?  
Terezi: M4YB3 1 JUST W4NT3D TO CH3CK UP ON 4 FR13ND  
Terezi: 1S TH4T 4 CR1M3 NOW  
Terezi: 1S 34RTH C SOM3 K1ND OF 4NT1-FR13ND DYSTOP14 WH3R3 GOOD OLD F4SH1ON3D S3M1-C4L1G1NOUS R1BB1NG 1S OUTL4W3D BY 4N 4NGRY F4SC1ST F1SH?  
Terezi: 4 F1SC1ST?  
Terezi: D3L3T3 TH4T L4ST M3SS4G3 JOHN TH4T W4S 4 B4D JOK3  
Terezi: P4R4DOX SP4C3 H4S 4DDL3D MY BR41N YOU C4NNOT BL4M3 M3 FOR TH4T PUN  
Terezi: 1F YOU TRY TO SL4ND3R M3 W1TH TH1S 1 W1LL S33 YOU 1N COURT, WH3R3 1 W1LL K1LL YOU  
Terezi: L1K3 FR13NDS DO SOM3T1M3S  
John: i don't know whether to be moved or concerned.  
Terezi: 1 S33 YOU H4V3 L34RN3D TH3 W4Y OF MY P3OPL3  
Terezi: 4T L4ST, HUM4N 4ND TROLL M4Y BR1DG3 TH3 D1V1D3 B3TW33N OUR UN1QU3LY V1OL3NT CULTUR3S  
Terezi: 4NYW4Y Y3S JOHN 1 JUST W4NT3D TO S33 HOW YOU 4R3  
Terezi: 1 H4D 4  
Terezi: WH4T 1S 1T C4LL3D  
Terezi: 4 F33L1NG  
John: a feeling about what?  
Terezi: L1ST3N W3 C4N DO TH1S DUMB QU3ST1ON 4NSW3R ROUT1N3 FOR 4NOTH3R THOUS4ND Y34RS 1F W3 R34LLY W4NT TO BUCKL3 DOWN 4ND GO 4P3SH1T  
Terezi: OR YOU C4N JUST T3LL M3 WH4T'S ON YOUR M1ND, N3RD  
Terezi: S1NC3 W3 BOTH KNOW TH3R3'S 4LW4YS SOM3TH1NG  
John: okay.  
John: i don't know what's on my mind, really?  
John: this dream just has me kind of fucked up a little.  
Terezi: >;]  
John: NOT LIKE THAT!  
John: just like...  
John: okay.  
John: a few days ago i had what you might call an "episode."  
John: or an "existential crisis."  
John: maybe a "complete and total breakdown of my physical connection to reality."  
John: the point is jade had to talk me back from a ledge.  
Terezi: DO3S SH3 KNOW YOU C4N FLY  
John: it wasn't a literal ledge! :p  
John: just a lot of things coming together in a moment of...  
John: well, i took your advice and talked to jade, obviously, and we had a really hard conversation about,  
John: uh,  
John: the ways i have been a bad friend and a bad sibling.  
John: and through it all i felt kind of like i was melting?  
John: like maybe i was going to just slip through the cracks of the universe and disappear forever.  
John: do you know what i mean?  
Terezi: 1 H4V3 N3V3R F3LT 4NY 3MOT1ON R3MOT3LY L1K3 TH4T 1N MY 3NT1R3 L1F3  
John: of course not.  
John: anyway...  
John: she showed up at my house and shook some sense into me, and after that we went to go help rose and kanaya with some shenanigans in can town.  
John: since then i've been staying on their couch.  
Terezi: N3V3R TOOK YOU FOR 4 ROM4NT1C 1NT3RLOP3R BUT 1 R3SP3CT TH3 HUSTL3  
John: terezi!  
John: i get that this is like, "the bit" or whatever with us. but it kinda hurts my feelings when i'm trying to tell you something important and you immediately assume it's an innuendo.  
Terezi: OK4Y  
John: ...okay?  
Terezi: OK4Y. 4S 1N, CONT1NU3  
Terezi: 1 W4S B31NG CH4R4CT3R1ST1C4LLY 4BR4S1V3 4ND 1NCONS1D3R4T3 4T 4N 1N4PPROPR14T3 MOM3NT 4ND 1'M T4K1NG YOUR R3QU3ST 1NTO 4CCOUNT  
Terezi: MY L1PS 4R3 S34L3D  
Terezi: >:x  
John: wow, uhh...  
John: thank you?  
John: anyway.  
John: yeah so i'm staying on their couch. i keep saying i am going home because i don't want to be a bother or whatever.  
John: but every time i think about going back to my house, i feel...  
John: scared?  
John: like it's a haunted mansion or something. which is dumb because i've lived there for years and i know there's no ghosts there.  
John: also i know for a fact that ghosts are real and they aren't like movie ghosts at all! some of my best friends are ghosts and i don't even want to bust them.  
John: so there's no reason i should be afraid to go back.  
John: but...  
John: i am.  
John: and i feel guilty about it because instead of being a lump out of everyone's way, now i'm a lump in the way of one of my best friends and her wife.  
John: it's such a dumb pointless thing.  
Terezi: 1 DON'T KNOW, JOHN  
Terezi: TH1S 1S M4YB3 OUTS1D3 MY JURS1D1CT1ON  
Terezi: 1 M34N 1T 1S D3F1N1T3LY OUTS1D3 MY JUR1S1D1CT1ON B3C4US3 MY JUR1SD1CT1ON L1T3R4LLY C34S3D TO 3X1ST TWO UN1V3RS3S 4GO  
Terezi: BUT 1N 4 SYMBOL1C S3NS3 1 GU3SS M4YB3 TROLLS DON'T H4V3 TH3 S4M3 CULTUR4L CONC3PT1ON OF GHOSTS 4S YOU  
Terezi: BUT TH3N 4G41N, 1 TH1NK W3'V3 4LL R34L1Z3D TH4T W3 H4V3 4 LOT MOR3 1N COMMON TH4N W3 1N1T14LLY THOUGHT  
Terezi: >:/  
Terezi: 1 DON'T KNOW 1F 1 WOULD W4NT TO GO B4CK TO MY H1V3 1F 1 H4D TH3 CH4NC3  
Terezi: TOO M4NY S4D M3MOR13S. 4ND TR4G1C ON3S. 4ND P41NFULLY 3MB4RR4SS1NG ON3S. JUST TOO M4NY M3MOR13S 1N G3N3R4L HON3STLY  
Terezi: 1S TH3R3 4 D1FF3R3NC3 B3TW33N M3MOR13S 4ND GHOSTS?  
Terezi: BOTH 4R3 DUMB 4ND P41NFULLY 4WKW4RD 4ND DR1FT 3NDL3SSLY THROUGH P4R4DOX SP4C3 4S B1Z4RR3 R3FL3CT1ONS OF WH4T TH3Y US3D TO B3  
John: sounds like someone i know.  
Terezi: >:[  
John: come on, you know it's true.  
Terezi: 1 W1LL NOT CONF3SS TO 4NY KNOWL3DG3 OF TH3 SORT. 1 KNOW MY R1GHTS  
John: duped again by the legal prowess of a blind space goblin.  
Terezi: YOU C4N'T B34T M3 4T MY OWN G4M3 3GB3RT, MY POW3R 1S TOO GR34T  
Terezi: BUT 3NOUGH OF TH4T BULLSH1T, YOU W3R3 S4Y1NG SOM3TH1NG 4NGSTY  
John: oh yeah!  
John: i think i get what you're saying about memories and stuff.  
John: but i don't have sad memories there. my childhood was peachy keen and completely untraumatic! it's not like i had to deal with an abusive brother or an alcoholic mother or an absentee grandpa. i never knew my nana, but my dad was... well he was my dad! he only ever had nice things to say about her and he always just wanted the best for me. nothing bad ever happened to us. compared to everyone else i know, i've got nothing to complain about!  
John: so there's no reason i should be afraid to go back.  
Terezi: CL34RLY TH3R3 1S, JOHN  
Terezi: OTH3RW1S3 YOU WOULD H4V3 GON3 B4CK BY NOW  
John: i don't know...  
Terezi: COM3 ON. DON'T YOU TH1NK 1T'S 1NT3R3ST1NG TH4T YOU W3NT STR41GHT TO TH1NK1NG 4BOUT YOUR CH1LDHOOD  
Terezi: 4ND COMP4R1NG YOUR CH1LDHOOD TO THOS3 OF YOUR FR13NDS  
Terezi: W3 W3R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT H4UNT3D HOUS3S 4ND SUDD3NLY YOU'R3 4LL  
Terezi: HOLD ON L3T M3 G3T TH1S R1GHT  
John: oh boy.  
Terezi: bluh bluh my n4m3's john 3gb3rt 4nd 1 don't h4v3 4ny b4gg4g3 4t 4ll b3c4us3 1'm 4 norm4l boy w1th 4 norm4l l1f3 who h1d h1ms3lf 1n h1s norm4l hous3 for y34rs w1thout t4lk1ng to 4nyon3, th3 w4y norm4l p3opl3 d3f1n1t3ly do.  
Terezi: 1m so bl1nd1ngly norm4l th4t 1 h4v3 just th3 most norm4l dr34ms 4bout norm4l p3opl3 1 b4r3ly 3v3r kn3w th4t m4k3 m3 w4k3 up 1n 4 cold norm4l sw34t just l1k3 3v3ry oth3r norm4l h1gh-funct1on1ng 4dult do3s 4ll th3 t1m3.  
John: hey! i didn't say anything about a cold sweat.  
Terezi: TH3 SW34T W4S 1MPL13D  
John: okay you got me, i'm maladjusted or whatever  
John: it's just been on my mind, okay?  
John: childhood, i mean.  
John: i'm not saying i never had problems but again it's like,  
John: compared to everyone else...  
Terezi: JOHN  
Terezi: HOW LONG D1D 1T T4K3 COOL K1D D4V3 TO 4DM1T HOW MUCH D1RK FUCK3D H1M UP  
Terezi: 1F 1 R3C4LL CORR3CTLY 1T TOOK S3V3R4L Y34RS OF H1S, UH  
Terezi: W31RD DUMB NON-LUSUS GU4RD14N TH4T 1S 4LSO NOT 4 P4R3NT  
Terezi: WH4T'S TH3 WORD FOR TH4T TH1NG  
John: ...brother?  
Terezi: Y34H TH4T'S 1T  
Terezi: 1T TOOK S3V3R4L Y34RS OF H1S BROTH3R B31NG D34D 4ND D4V3 P1N1NG 4FT3R K4RK4T'S GROSS L1TTL3 NUBS B3FOR3 H3 COULD 4DM1T H3 H4D 4NY R3S1DU4L PROBL3MS  
Terezi: 4ND 3V3N TH3N H3 H4D TO M33T TH3 4LT3RN4T3 UN1V3RS3 V3RS1ON OF D1RK 4ND PHYS1C4LLY HUG 1T OUT W1TH H1M JUST TO B3G1N TO F1ND CLOSUR3  
John: what's your point?  
Terezi: MY PO1NT  
Terezi: 1S TH4T H1S H4NGUPS W3R3 4ND R3M41N DUMBFOUND1NGLY OBV1OUS TO L1T3R4LLY 3V3RYON3 3XC3PT H1M  
Terezi: 4ND M4YB3 K4RK4T  
Terezi: HON3STLY TH4T'S PROBABLY WHY TH3Y M4K3 4 GOOD COUPL3  
John: i mean yeah that's true...  
John: but what does that have to do with me?  
Terezi: WH4T 1 4M S4Y1NG 1S  
Terezi: W3 4R3 V3RY, V3RY, V3RY, V3RY FUCK1NG GOOD 4T LY1NG TO OURS3LV3S  
Terezi: JUST B3C4US3 NO ON3 H1T YOU OR PL4Y3D V1OL3NT M1NDG4M3S W1TH YOU DO3SN'T M34N 3V3RYTH1NG W4S, 4S YOU SO CH4RM1NGLY PUT 1T, "p34chy k33n"  
John: i don't...  
John: ...  
John: sigh.  
John: maybe you're right.  
John: i just feel like i'm not allowed to... feel? i guess?  
John: like i don't have the right to.  
Terezi: 1S SOM3ON3 STOPP1NG YOU?  
John: i guess not.  
Terezi: TH3 4NSW3R 1S NO. NO ON3 1S STOPP1NG YOU. YOU 4R3 YOUR ONLY OBST4CL3  
John: ugh.  
John: i hate when you say things that are true.  
Terezi: SORRY N3RD, TH3M'S TH3 BR34KS  
Terezi: 1F YOU D1DN'T W4NT TRUTH YOU SHOULDN'T H4V3...  
Terezi: HMM.  
John: what?  
Terezi: NOTH1NG. N3V3RM1ND.  
John: ooookay.  
John: so... what do you think i should do?  
Terezi: HOW TH3 FUCK SHOULD 1 KNOW?  
Terezi: 1 H4V3N'T B33N 4BL3 TO M4K3 MYS3LF R3TURN TO 34RTH C FOR Y34RS D3SP1T3 H4V1NG NO R34SON TO NOT W4NT TO GO B4CK  
Terezi: 1 M34N, B3S1D3S TH3 B1G ON3  
John: yeah...  
Terezi: 1 DON'T KNOW WH4T YOU SHOULD DO  
Terezi: 1'M 4N 4NGRY 1D1OT LOST 1N SP4C3 ON WH4T YOU CONT3NT1OUSLY R3F3RR3D TO 1N 4 PR3V1OUS CONV3RS4T1ON 4S 4 SU1C1D3 M1SS1ON  
Terezi: 1 US3D TO TH1NK 1 COULD T3LL 3V3RYON3 TH3 R1GHT W4Y TO L1V3 TH31R L1V3S W1TH P3RF3CT CL4R1TY, BUT 1 TH1NK 1N R34L1TY 1 4M TH3 QU33N OF B31NG UP MY OWN 4SS  
Terezi: SO T4K3 TH1S W1TH 4 GR41N OF FL4VOR-GR4NT1NG M1N3R4L 3XTR4CT  
Terezi: BUT 1T SOUNDS TO M3 L1K3 M4YB3 SOM3TH1NG 1S GO1NG ON TH4T YOU DON'T W4NT TO 4CKNOWL3DG3  
Terezi: 4ND M4YB3 YOU'V3 B33N F1GHT1NG TH4T B4TTL3 FOR 4 LOT LONG3R TH4N YOU R34L1Z3  
Terezi: 4ND M4YB3 NOW YOU'V3 RUN OUT OF 3XCUS3S TO 4VO1D 1T  
John: maybe.  
Terezi: M4YB3 >:]  
Terezi: LOTS OF M4YB3S GO1NG 4ROUND TH3S3 D4YS  
Terezi: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD GO FOR 4 W4LK 4ND TH1NK 4BOUT 1T  
John: yeah.  
John: yeah that sounds like a good idea.  
John: you're a smart cookie, terezi. anyone ever tell you that?  
Terezi: TH3Y H4V3 N3V3R STOPP3D T3LL1NG M3 TH4T S1NC3 TH3 D4Y 1 W4S H4TCH3D  
Terezi: 1T'S 4 CURS3  
John: heh.  
John: you know, you're starting to sound a bit like her.  
Terezi: WHO?  
John: vriska.  
Terezi: >:0  
Terezi: 1 C4N'T D3C1D3 1F 1'M OFF3ND3D OR FL4TT3R3D  
John: ah, i see you have learned the way of my people!  
John: finally we can bridge the divide between etc etc callbacks you get it.  
Terezi: WOW JOHN  
Terezi: YOU'R3 R34LLY B4D 4T FOLLOW1NG THROUGH ON 4 JOK3  
Terezi: R34LLY L1V1NG UP TO YOUR PR4NKST3RY R3PUT4T1ON  
John: i do what i can.  
John: thanks, terezi.  
Terezi: YOU'R3 W3LCOM3  
Terezi: 4ND UH  
Terezi: TH4NK YOU  
John: for what?  
Terezi: FOR  
Terezi: B31NG MY FR13ND  
John: :)  
Terezi: >:]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> intro dream sequence taken from homestuck pages 5283 - 5288
> 
> https://www.homestuck.com/story/5283


	2. Chapter 2

The night air is humid, but a chilly breeze makes it tolerable. As you close the door to Rose and Kanaya's house, you feel an otherworldly stillness wash through you. It's the stillness of a sleeping town, populated yet abandoned. It's like the air is emptier. Like you have more room to think. 

Thin wisps of cloud cover the stars. There are no birds, no animals, no carapacians running around to get work done. Just you. For once, it's just you. 

You take a few steps down the little stone path from the Lalonde-Maryam home, unsure of where you want to go or even what you hope to accomplish. All you know is that you feel... energized? Compelled? 

It's odd that you feel so liberatingly alone, because "alone" is a thing you've been for a lot longer than whatever the alternative might be. Alone in your room, alone on LOWAS, alone in the burden of wielding the impossibly immense power of retcon. Why should this particular vacancy feel so much different? 

And yet, it does. 

A slight wind pushes at your back, like a friend giving you directions. That seems silly to you, but then again your whole life has been a string of absurdly silly unlikelihoods all lined up one after the other. In this moment, you don't really think to question it much. What's the harm in following the breeze? 

Thinking back on the Earth C years you've squirreled away in your home, you know that you rarely had guests. Only stray correspondences with your friends. Sometimes watching tv, sometimes playing old video games, but mostly just. Waiting. And despite your near total isolation, you remember that time as if it was... noisy? Loud. Cramped. The "alone" you were back then is not the same as you are now. Thinking back on it, it's like you were being watched all day every day. Not by anyone specific, necessarily... 

Your feet carry you past rows and rows of can-shaped houses, almost all with their lights off. From one window you see the telltale dancing glow that could only be cast by a tv and decide to peak in from the sidewalk. You see a cluttered living room with walls covered in drawings, but the tableau still feels somehow in order. A carapacian sits on their couch next to a smaller carapacian, eating something indistinguishable and soft. On the tv is, of all things, Con Air. 

The dream comes back to you. You remember being on the ship again, showing what was once your favorite movie to a thoroughly hyped up Jade. Things played out exactly as they had before, it was like a dream bubble in that way. 

That was so long ago now. And technically it... didn't even happen? It happened to you, sure, but not to Jade. Not this Jade. A familiar pang of guilt hits as you think about how it must have been for her, alone in space for three whole years. But even before that, alone at home with no one but a dog. And even now, apart from the others on the world you made together. 

You two really are siblings, huh? 

You think about how the script of the moment changed, and Jade diverted from what you kind of remember as a semi-relatable anecdote about the Squiddles tv show into something about childhood... Maybe you should text her and ask if she had the same dream? But something tells you she didn't. Somehow, you feel utterly certain that whoever or whatever was speaking in that moment wasn't Jade at all. 

And then there's Vriska. 

Vriska, Vriska, Vriska. 

Why is she so stuck in your head all of a sudden? If she's not dead, she's assuredly landed in some distant corner of the universe and made a name for herself as, you don't know, a mad pirate queen or something. You're not worried about her. Hell, you can't even say you care about her, really. Right? But you care about the people who loved her. You care about Terezi, desperately searching for an absentee friend who has already proven disappointing on a number of occasions. But you suppose that if Terezi, despite everything, still really loves her, that has to mean something. After all, you never got to know her well enough to really see her for who she was. 

And anyway, you were just kids. Despite all that bluster, none of you knew what the fuck you were doing back then. 

You showed Vriska Con Air, didn't you? Or at least the trailer for it. You think she might have seen the same thing in it that you did. Something to identify with that you couldn't find anywhere else. A rugged, sarcastic, unflappable exterior, concealing a complex and vulnerable interior. How would she react now if she were around to watch it? Do you think she'd be as disillusioned as you were? 

Honestly, she probably wouldn't care. She was always too cool to let little things like that get to her. You sure wish that could be you, all aloof and powerful and making cunning plans like some kind of Machiavellian puppet master. All those irons in the fire, and a master of every single one. Never a scuff on her, that Vriska. 

Ugh, what are you saying? This is all just projection. You barely knew her! And you've learned from the people who did know her that she was as twisted up inside as anyone else. Maybe moreso. It was a face she put on, not just for others but for herself as well. The things she'd done, she had to believe she was justified in doing them. If Vriska ever admitted she did anything wrong, the guilt of it might crack her in two. 

You tell yourself that over and over again. You have to, because despite what you know in your head, some other part of you refuses to accept it. You can't help but think back on her and wish... 

The rhythmic sound of someone tapping on glass snaps you back to the present. The larger carapacian is scowling at you from inside, trying to get your attention. Just as you realize you've been standing there, absently staring into the window of this house for probably five or six minutes, the carapacian points a finger as if to say "beat it," and then draws the curtains. 

Oops. You feel a little mad at the rude treatment for a split second, but honestly? Yeah. That was kinda creepy. So you take that carapacian's advice and beat it on up the road, away from Can Town and towards... 

Wherever it is the wind intends to carry you. 

\---- 

You're not sure how much time has passed, seeing as you've been pointedly not looking at your phone. It feels like it may have been a few hours, which means it's probably only been thirty minutes or so. 

You've wandered up a hilltop that overlooks a long stretch of countryside, lit exclusively by the waning moon. Lamp posts and fireflies glitter near and far. The perfect grid of Can Town is a stark contrast from the aimless, circular infrastructure of the Consort Kingdom. Earth C is a chaotic mix of worlds, but somehow it all seems to just work. 

Looking out over everything, it strikes you how clear the air here is. You wonder if it was ever like this back in the beta timeline. 

The wind has died down and you feel as if you've arrived, whatever that means. There's a tree up here that has a poetic kilter just begging for some wayward soul to sit under it, so you do exactly that. 

Grass crumples beneath you, and the tree's bark hikes your shirt up your back. You don't mind. The air on your bare skin is a nice relief. 

You don't remember there ever being a moment of stillness like this the entire time you were playing Sburb. Or during your intermission on the ship with Jade. Or even here, since you and your friends created Earth C. You don't know why it feels so peaceful. There's no reason it should be like this. Nothing has changed, after all, nothing has- 

You don't finish the thought. All you want is to enjoy this moment while it lasts. Your problems, whatever they are- they aren't going anywhere. 

You breathe for what feels like the first time. 

As you lay your head back, your mind wanders back to Con Air. It was such an important cornerstone for you, growing up. Which is a patently silly thing for such a bad movie to have been. What awful taste. How could you have been so dumb... 

No, not dumb. 

You're thinking that maybe the word you are looking for is scared. 

Your eyes start to drift shut as you realize, maybe with less gravity than the moment deserves, that you don't feel scared. Your last thought is a vague recognition of how novel that feeling really is for you. In your entire adult life, maybe your whole life altogether, you can't remember a time when you weren't afraid of something. 

\---- 

Vriska: There you are.


	3. Chapter 3

You're back in the darkness beyond everything, the place your mind has been dragged to time and again these last few months. The peace you felt as you fell asleep lingers, but you can already feel it beginning to subside.

She's standing in front of you, suspended in place just as you are, both of you only dimly lit by a sourceless glow.

Suddenly, you are afraid again.

John: vriska...  
John: is that you?  
Vriska: No, John. I'm the manifest8ion of your innermost fears and dou8ts here to torture you with for8idden knowledge. Wow, what a ruse! And here I thought YOU were the prankster?  
John: i, uh,  
John: i can't tell if you're joking.  
Vriska: ::::)  
John: i guess i should have put a question mark at the end of that sentence?  
Vriska: Ni8s on the ta8le, John? I'm here to help you.  
John: help me with what?  
Vriska: Sweet Jegus, you really haven't changed. How have you stayed alive this long without me around to keep you sharp? I 8et you've just sat alone in your room this whole time!  
John: no! i've uh,  
John: i've done other things! i've been really busy, actually! so cartoonishly busy i can't even list all the things i'm involved in right now.  
Vriska: Oh, I see! Lots of irons in the fire, then?  
John: yup! spinning so many plates on so many hot irons it's absurd.  
John: honestly someone should stop me before i hurt myself!  
Vriska: Uhuh. A likely story from a sadsack like you.   
John: i am not a sad sack!  
Vriska: You are the saddest sadsack I have seen across all of time and space. You are the a8solute unchallenged master of 8eing a sadsack, John Eg8ert! The 8est there ever was at 8eing a misera8le pile of wind in a depressing 8ody 8ag.  
John: :(  
Vriska: I mean that your 8ody IS the 8ag, not that you're-  
Vriska: Ugh!  
Vriska: Don't get all high and mighty with me a8out gallows humor! Jeez, when did you get so sens8ive????????   
Vriska: O8viously I'm pulling your leg off. You've defin8ly let yourself get sad and pathetic 8ut you're still SWEEPS ahead of some of the idiots I've had to deal with.  
Vriska: Which I guess means you're not even that gr8 at 8eing terri8le! Wow John, you really are the most middle of the road nerd in the universe.  
John: heh.  
John: i feel like i should be mad or insulted or something, but like,  
John: yeah, i guess you're kind of right.  
Vriska: See? I know what's up.  
John: wow.  
John: we really haven't talked in a while, have we?  
Vriska: Well, it's hard to talk when you're saving the universe from a 8ig green skull monster.  
John: oh yeah! how did that go??  
John: terezi's been out looking for you for like...  
John: ages.  
Vriska: How do you think it went?  
Vriska: Compl8ly without a hitch and not a single thing unaccording to pl8n!!!!!!!!  
Vriska: How is Terezi, anyway?  
John: oh. she's...  
John: honestly she's fucked up and lost and probably in big gay troll love with you.   
John: she's convinced you aren't dead, and is...  
John: wait  
John: ARE you dead?  
Vriska: What difference does it make?  
John: it makes a pretty big difference to the friends who haven't heard from you in forever!  
Vriska: Pssssssssh, forever. I'm here now aren't I?  
John: i mean...  
John: i guess so? but i'm not sure where here even is.  
John: i thought it was something to do with my retcon powers since this place seems to be outside of, uh... everything? so how did you even get here?????  
Vriska: Come oooooooon, John. If you're gonna go 8ig with the question noodles at least go all the way!  
John: how did you get here????????  
Vriska: That's more like it.  
Vriska: The thing is, John... I've 8een w8ing for you.  
John: why??  
Vriska: That is an excellent question, John! Now THERE'S something you've always 8een good at. You're very inquis8ive, especially for someone who never seems to follow any particular train of thought to its logical conclusion!  
John: vriska, come on.  
John: do you have to be...  
John: like this?  
Vriska: ::::(  
John: i don't know why i'm here.  
John: and i don't...  
John: why have i been thinking about you?  
John: i don't even know who you are!  
John: not really.  
John: it can't be an accident that you're here now, right? so let's talk.  
John: please?  
John: i just want to talk.  
Vriska: I'm sorry, John.  
Vriska: This is a...  
Vriska: Weird convers8ion to have.  
John: you're telling me.  
Vriska: I AM telling you!  
Vriska: You're trapped in Sadsack City and all I want is to show you the way out.  
John: okay. fine.  
John: but before we get to all this big magical destiny stuff or whatever it is, can we just like...  
John: chat?  
Vriska: Okay, John. What do you want to chat a8out?  
John: for starters... how are you? where have you been? what happened to you??  
Vriska: Ooh, there you go with all those questions! Not really a 8alanced way to start a convers8ion, if you ask me.  
John: someone's being evasive.  
Vriska: Where's the fun in telling you everything str8 away????????  
Vriska: A hero's journey is all a8out the destin8ion, o8bviously, 8ut it's a pretty pointless journey if the path to that destin8ion is just a 8unch of dum8fuck exposition! You have to walk it of your own volition, otherwise it was all just a waste of time! I mean who do you think I am, Doc Scratch?  
Vriska: Damn, do you remem8er Doc Scratch?  
John: not really? i think he was more of a troll session thing.  
Vriska: Fucking cue8all looking motherfucker with his white text and know-it-all demeanor all manipul8ing me and my friends.  
Vriska: That's my jo8!  
Vriska: >::::(  
Vriska: At least when I did it it was 8ecause my friends were acting like a 8unch of fucking incomp8ent wigglers who needed an adult to remind them not to swallow their own flavor muscles!!!!!!!!  
Vriska: My manipul8ions weren't part of some nefarious masterplan to orchestr8 the 8irth of a space-go88ling incel, I just saw that everyone needed help and NO 8NE ELSE W8S STEPP8NG UP!  
Vriska: Honestly John it's a 8urden 8eing so fucking right all the time. No one understands the struggle.  
John: wow, that must be really hard for you.  
Vriska: Ooooooooh, do I detect a hint of sass from the ever-passive John Eg8ert? ::::O  
Vriska: May8e you HAVE changed!  
John: :P  
John: you still haven't answered my question.  
Vriska: Joooooooo  
Vriska: oooooooo  
Vriska: oooooooo  
Vriska: oooooooo  
Vriska: oooooooo  
Vriska: oooooooo  
Vriska: oooooooo  
Vriska: oooooooohn!  
John: woah.  
John: that's a blast from the past! you did that in your first conversation with me, didn't you?  
Vriska: Did you really just say "8last from the past?"  
John: heh, i still read that like a really long "june".  
John: jeez, how do i still remember that?  
John: everything else is a blur, but that's the thing that sticks with me?  
John: memories are dumb.  
Vriska: You're telling me!  
John: i AM telling you! :)  
Vriska: See? Look at this repartee! Now that you've crawled your sorry ass out of your recuperacoon and greased up the word engine gathering dust in your mind palace, suddenly we're like two 8eans in a 8od!  
John: bod?  
Vriska: No, pod. You know, pods? You put 8eans in them and fire them at alien planets?  
John: uhh, i think we might have different definitions of those words.  
Vriska: Well, I think my meaning was pretty clear if you just paid attention to context clues.  
Vriska: So how a8out it, John? Did that qualify as a chat, or are you still stalling?  
John: i'm not stalling, i am just trying to get you to tell me how you've been.  
John: which you still haven't done!  
Vriska: SIGH.  
Vriska: There's nothing I can say to you that you'll 8e happy to hear!   
John: i don't care!!! just give me something. i haven't talked to you in forever and i guess, i don't know what i expected but it wasn't...  
John: please, just,  
John: can you...  
John: gosh, i don't know why i'm, uh,  
John: crying!  
John: all of a sudden!  
John: boy that sure is a weird thing for me to do, huh?  
John: heh, jeez. guess i really am a wimp!  
Vriska: You are not a wimp, John.  
Vriska: At least not in this particular instance.  
Vriska: A younger me would pro8a8ly agree with you and say something snide a8out, I dunno.  
Vriska: Showing dign8y or some shit?  
Vriska: 8ut younger me had a lot going on that she didn't want to deal with.  
John: yeah well, i feel pretty undignified right now.  
Vriska: You shouldn't! 8ecause that's EXACTLY why I'm here! >::::)  
John: is that right?  
Vriska: Yessssssss!  
Vriska: What you are right now is a little pup8ing gru8, w8ing for the right moment to grow into your final form. A younger me would have done everything in her power to make that happen as soon as possi8le. 8ut me today? I am so much more mature! Do you see how patient I have 8een with you this whole convers8ion?  
John: :/  
Vriska: 8ut now it's time to stop stalling and get to work.  
Vriska: John, I'm here to help you finally realize your true self! To help you clim8 to h8s of power you never could have dreamed of!  
John: neat!  
John: but uh, just one thing.  
John: why do i need more power? i'm already a god.  
Vriska: You always need power, dumpass! Stonger, 8etter, faster, all that ro8ot gar8age.  
John: i guess that makes sense.  
John: but we won the game. we got a new universe. even if i could become more "powerful" or whatever,  
John: what difference would it make?  
John: it's not like i've got any more big boss fights ahead of me or anything.  
John: all i've got to look forward to is a boring forever probably spent mostly on a couch watching tv.  
Vriska: Pffffffff  
John: what?  
Vriska: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!  
Vriska: XXXXD  
Vriska: You slay me, John! I am dead now. RIP Vriska Serket, killed 8y John Eg8ert in warm 8lood!  
John: what's so funny???  
Vriska: Oh, you're  
Vriska: You're serious.  
John: am i laughing????????  
Vriska: Wow, this is really sad actually!  
Vriska: So let me get this str8.  
Vriska: You heard me say "power" and you thought, what, 8igger fists?  
Vriska: 8ig strong muscles?  
Vriska: A gun???????? Just a normal fucking gun? Like they use in your dum8 human crime movies?  
Vriska: Get real!!!!!!!!  
Vriska: Your idea of what "power" is has always left more than a little to 8e desired but this is a really depressing low even for you!  
John: >:(  
John: i don't think you were much better!  
Vriska: Oh sure, let's just drag the past into it and relitig8 all our old mistakes!  
Vriska: I already told you I've matured, what more do you want from me?  
John: :/  
Vriska: Just hear me out.  
Vriska: "Power" is a lot more than who you can hurt and how much. I know that's gotta 8e hard to 8elieve coming from me, 8ut you'll just have to trust that I know what I'm talking a8out.  
John: wow, that sounds like a solid plan with no potential for bad or regrettable outcomes whatsoever!  
Vriska: That's the spir8!!!!!!!!  
Vriska: Trust your old pal Vriska to have the secret stuff on hand to 8ring you 8ack in the last round!  
John: was that-  
John: was that a space jam reference?  
Vriska: It's gonna be an oops you got your leg 8enders smashed in reference if you don't cram it and stop interrupting me!!!!!!!!  
John: <:o  
Vriska: You just told me you're a god, right? 8ut what have you really done with that power?  
John: :|  
Vriska: I'm clearly prompting you for a response, John. Come on, get with the program!  
John: >:|  
John: i mean, for starters we repopulated earth c and re-established civilization.  
Vriska: Wow, that's really cool! How much of that did YOU do personally?  
John: uhm.  
Vriska: Yeah, that's what I thought. See what I mean? You may 8e a god 8ut you're still 8asically useless!  
Vriska: A god is only as powerful as their need to act.  
Vriska: 8ecause power of the body, John, isn't worth a damn thing if you don't have power of the mind!  
John: not that you aren't making some kind of sense vriska, but,  
John: what do you know about mind?  
John: isn't that more terezi's thing?  
Vriska: Look, I'm not saying I'm a master of the stuff!!!!!!!!  
Vriska: 8ut you don't exactly have to 8e a godtier seer to recognize that power 8asically doesn't exist if you lack the will to use it.  
John: okay.  
John: i mean yeah, that tracks i guess?  
John: but that still doesn't answer my more pressing question, which was:  
John: why does it matter????????  
John: i already said there are no more battles to fight! the game's over and i'm happy with how things are!!  
Vriska: >::::(  
Vriska: Don't fucking lie to me, John. It's un8ecoming.  
Vriska: You're not happy.  
Vriska: You have NEVER 8een happy!  
Vriska: It's written all over you like a 8ook!  
Vriska: "The Never 8een Happy Chronicles." That's the title of your 8ooksona, John! 8ecause you're a 8ig o8vious sadsack and you always have 8een!!!!!!!!  
Vriska: The only reason you insist otherwise is 8ecause you think you're not entitled to want 8etter for yourself.  
Vriska: 8ut I have NEWS for you, John Eg8ert!  
Vriska: You 8eat the game.  
Vriska: You WON.  
Vriska: You're the god of a new world!  
Vriska: Which means no one can tell you who you are or what you can do.  
Vriska: You are your only o8stacle!  
John: hm.  
John: terezi said the same thing earlier.  
Vriska: Of course she did, 8ecause in at least this one respect we are the same:  
Vriska: We have zero tolerance for wiggler-tier 8ullshit!  
John: okay...  
John: i get what you're saying. but it's not like things were supposed to just... be perfect in the end.  
Vriska: Why not?  
John: because...  
John: ...  
John: i mean, that's,  
John: isn't that an unrealistic thing to want?  
Vriska: John, do you remem8er that time you retconned me 8ack into existence 8y punching me in the face?  
Vriska: Why do you give any kind of shit a8out what's realistic?   
John: well, that time i was just following terezi's instructions...  
Vriska: 8UT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DID IT!  
Vriska: Who's to say you can't do EVEN MORE than that????????  
John: no one, i guess.  
John: but, again... why would i want to?  
Vriska: That's where I come in!  
Vriska: I'm going to help you, John, and I'm going to do it 8y asking a single question.  
Vriska: Are you ready?  
John: uhhh...  


Her smile is jagged and toothy. She is so excited, so certain, like she has the final piece of the puzzle ready to drop right in your lap. Your face is still a little damp from those unexpected tears, and you can still feel that ache in your chest so strong it might burst out of your chest like an alien. At least that would be a fittingly cliche way to die. It might not be Heroic or Just, but it would at least get you out of this fucking conversation.

Vriska: Tell me, John,

Vriska floats a little closer to you and puts her hand under your chin, tilts your head up so that you are looking each other straight in the eye. She's so close you can feel her breath on your cheeks. You notice that it doesn't smell like anything. She doesn't smell like anything. Is that possible?

Your heart is pounding so fast. You could probably zap out of here, if you could just focus- but then she leans closer, so close you think she's going to kiss you, but she presses her cheek against yours so that her lips are right next to your ear.

Vriska: Why do you like me?

A pause... then she lets you go and floats a few feet away. She twirls a few times, looking positively giddy. But you aren't entirely sure you get it.

John: ...what? is that the question?  
Vriska: Just answer it! I'll know if you're lying. :::;)  
John: i mean.  
John: uh...  
John: you're cool? or i used to think you were cool.  
John: i hated you for a while when i learned how cruel you were.  
John: but then you kinda saved everyone, so,  
John: i guess i got over it?  
John: when you were trolling me, i guess i was sort of lost? everyone else seemed to be getting along in the game without me, and you came along just chock full of answers and promises of greatness. you gave me hope that i had a part to play in sburb, that i wasn't dead weight for my friends. all that confidence, all that attitude...  
John: i guess you just sucked me in.  
Vriska: I have that effect on people.  
John: yeah. it's pretty shitty actually.  
Vriska: ::::(  
John: don't give me that sad spider face!  
John: it is shitty! it's shitty how you insert yourself in people's lives to try to make them better, and then betray their trust and never apologize. just because you believe you're doing the right thing doesn't make it the right thing!  
John: that's like... society 101 or something!  
Vriska: It's not like every8ody who ever heard my voice or read my texts fell over themselves all the time just to impress me. Don't get me wrong, a LOT of them did! 8ut defin8ly not everyone.  
Vriska: Did you ever think that may8e I trolled you so hard 8ecause you were nota8ly reciproc8ing my advances?  
John: i don't have a crush on you.  
Vriska: I'm not saying you do.  
Vriska: 8ut you did 8ack then.  
John: i...  
John: i mean i won't deny that i,  
John: well i guess i literally did deny today that i had a crush on you.  
John: but i don't HAVE a crush on you! i want that to be really dang clear.  
John: but...  
John: i guess i kind of did? back then?  
John: what difference does it make? that was years ago.  
Vriska: I don't know, John.  
Vriska: You tell me.  
John: tell you what?  
John: i liked you because i had a crush on you, i guess.  
John: it's a little embarrassing to admit but jeez, there, i said it.  
Vriska: Gasp! John Eg8ert has a crush on ME????????   
John: HAD.  
Vriska: What ever will I do with this startling and unpredicta8le revel8ion? ::::0  
Vriska: Try again.  
John: ugh!  
John: come on, what more do you want? i answered the dumb question.  
Vriska: If Rose were here, she'd make a pithy o8serv8ion a8out how tautologies are a logical fallacy used to 8affle inquiries and dodge making defin8ive st8ments, 8ut since she isn't here I'll just say something cutting and sarcastic instead!  
Vriska: You didn't answer the fucking question.  
Vriska: Stop stalling, nerd.  
John: okay.  
John: OKAY.  
John: let's just pry this fucking closet door wide open and see how many skeletons we've got hanging around!  
John: damn, look at this! it's a regular bone circus in here. are those my dad issues? wow, haven't seen them in a few minutes!!!  
John: oh look, it's a folder conveniently labeled "why i like vriska".  
John: it's laminated and everything! how swell.  
John: let's see what it says!  
John: ah, page one: "john doesn't know how to take charge of anything so he tends to gravitate towards dominant people regardless of their quality AS people purely out of convenience."  
John: hmm, interesting, interesting!  
John: page two says: "john doesn't have very many friends so any time a new person falls into his life he tends to latch on to them regardless of how nice they are because he just wants the validation of being liked."  
John: wow, so far it's looking pretty bad for how important you are in this pointless fucking equation!!  
John: page three is just a picture of a dog with red sun glasses drawn on it. must be a misfile from the terezi folder, oops!  
John: and then page four says that,  
John: it says...  
John: sigh.  
John: i don't like being mean, it's just making me feel worse. how do you do it all the time?  
Vriska: Practice, mostly. ::::|  
John: look, i just...   
John: the big thing is i guess that i,  
John: i thought you were cool.  
Vriska: Cooler than Dave?  
John: absolutely not!!  
John: ...  
John: but.  
John: actually,  
John: yeah, kind of.  
John: jeez. you can never tell him i said that.  
Vriska: :::;)  
John: you just seemed to have all your shit together, in such a...  
John: i don't know.  
John: i don't know what i'm saying.  
John: are we done? this whole thing kind of sucks.  
Vriska: Close! 8ut you're not there yet.  
John: UGHH.  
John: what does this even accomplish??  
John: i thought you were cool, okay!  
John: you fucking impressed me with how suave and cocksure you were!  
John: i never knew anyone who acted like that, while also seeming to  
John: i don't know...  
John: have an arm over my shoulder the whole time?  
John: like i was in on it.  
John: you kept telling me how you were going to make me so much better, you were going to help me win the game, that you were going to help me unlock all this potential!  
John: and the whole time i,  
John: i wanted,  
John: when i thought of what i'd look like at the end of that road you put me on, i imagined...  
John: well, i imagined you.  
John: because i wanted to be like you.  
John: i wish i could have HALF of your confidence.  
John: stand that strong, speak that loud, be so unabashedly...  
John: me.  
Vriska: ::::)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING for: suicide mention

VRISKA: Do you remem8er Con Air?  
John: wh  
John: what the fuck does that have to do with anything????????  
VRISKA: EVERYTHING! >::::)  
John: yeah, i remember con air! it's been coming up a lot today for some reason. why?  
VRISKA: How should I know?  
John: no i mean why do you ask!!  
VRISKA: 8ecause it's important, John.  
VRISKA: May8e the most important thing in your entire life so far!  
John: /:|  
VRISKA: ...Okay, I might 8e overstating the case a little.  
VRISKA: 8ut it's up there for sure!  
John: it's just a movie.  
John: it's a dumb movie from the 90's that sucks and is bad!  
John: that is like,  
John: the least important that a thing can be!  
VRISKA: If it was so dum8, why'd you like it so much?  
John: because i was dumb too. i don't know. kids like dumb stuff sometimes! it doesn't always have to be a freudian fucking issue!!  
VRISKA: Oh, 8ut it DOES!!!!!!!! You didn't just like that dum8 movie, John. You LOVED it! Loved it so much you had the whole thing memorized.  
VRISKA: And not even in an ironic way, either! You loved it 8ecause it meant something to you.  
John: yeah i guess!  
John: it meant not having to think about anything besides a thrilling fake action adventure for ninety minutes.  
VRISKA: Come oooooooon, stop 8eing such a coward!  
John: >:|  
John: hey uh, maybe,  
John: this is an interesting thought, actually,  
John: maybe go fuck yourself?  
John: what if you took your smug superiority and stupid little word labyrinth and fucked off back to whatever shitty corner of paradox space you were lost in before you showed up here?  
John: what if you just left me alone and stopped trying to MEDDLE in EVERYTHING????  
VRISKA: D::::  
John: i'm fine.  
John: okay??  
John: i'm FINE.  
John: i didn't ask for your help and honestly it doesn't feel like you know what helping is!  
John: it feels like you're just trying to hurt me.  
John: and i just,  
John: i was feeling so good before I came here.  
John: everything was fine.  
John: god damn it now i'm crying again!!  
John: this is so dumb.  
VRISKA: ...I'm sorry I called you a coward.  
VRISKA: I know it doesn't feel good to go through this. Parading your secrets out for someone who's 8asically a stranger? I forget sometimes that not everyone is as una8ashedly fearless as me.  
VRISKA: Er.  
VRISKA: You know what I mean.  
VRISKA: You aren't a coward, John. That's why I'm doing this.  
John: i don't know why i feel this way.  
John: i thought i was better!  
John: jade talked me out of that funk, she made me realize that i...  
John: that i want to be alive?  
John: but i don't think i have anything to live for.  
John: does that make sense?  
VRISKA: It makes perfect sense.  
VRISKA: What is it to stay alive without something that makes you want to do the living?  
VRISKA: And that is why I'm here. If you will just take one last step with me. 

You wipe a few stray tears out of your eyes and look at Vriska. Except... something about her seems off. Her shape is somehow loose, like she's a projection on a cloud of smoke. 

For a moment, you see Jade, dressed in her Witch of Space outfit just as she was when you were on that ship. 

Then you see a formless silhouette that seems like it could be anyone. Even you. 

And then it's Vriska again. 

John: you're not really her, are you?  
VRISKA: I am... a lot of things.  
VRISKA: Right now, I'm trying to help you.  
John: why?  
VRISKA: I wish I could say it wasn't selfish, 8ut...  
VRISKA: If we're prying open our closets and digging through the remains,  
VRISKA: The truth is that, if I help you, I get to go home.  
John: what, like alternia?  
VRISKA: ::::)  
VRISKA: You liked Con Air 8ecause it meant something to you.  
John: ughhhhhhhh.  
VRISKA: May8e I should have put a question noodle at the end of that sentence?  
John: yes, it meant something to me.  
John: it was a story about family. sort of. it ended up that way anyhow.  
John: i loved my dad, but he was...  
John: i don't know.  
John: aggressively normal? painfully supportive? like whatever the opposite of a helicopter parent is.  
John: he wanted me to have the best life and do the things i wanted to do, which is great and i know that all my friends would have killed for a home life like that...  
John: but it was wrong for me.  
John: i needed pushback. i needed challenge. i needed someone to aspire to who wasn't just... a guy in a suit.  
John: gosh, that feels awful to say.  
John: and i guess i latched onto nic cage in that movie because he was,  
John: i don't know.  
John: he was different.  
VRISKA: Did you want to 8e him, or 8e like him?  
John: i think i wanted to... want to be like him? if that makes sense.  
John: but as much as i tried to imagine that, as much as i thought it was what i was supposed to want...  
John: i think what i really wanted was for him to be my dad.  
VRISKA: Why?  
John: because he was just... cool. went on adventures. did time in the slammer. beat up terrorists. and he really loved his daughter.  
John: it's funny, i was always sort of jealous of her.  
John: my dad loved me and supported me, but i think mostly he... he supported who he thought i was. and i just didn't know enough about myself to tell him anything real.  
John: but the way nic cage looked at his daughter, hugged her, it was always,  
John: so, like...  
John: i dunno.  
John: i guess i wanted that to be my life?  
John: i wanted to be nic cage's,  
John: erm.  
John: uh.  
John: hold on.  
John: wait.  
John: wait, what?  
John: HOLD ON.  
John: VRISKA ARE YOU MIND CONTROLLING ME  
John: IF YOU'RE CONTROLLING MY MIND YOU HAVE TO TELL ME  
VRISKA: And ro8 you of this primo catharsis? Fat chance!!!!!!!!  
John: i don't,  
John: so i,  
John: i didn't have a crush on you did i?  
John: i didn't just want to date you or be like you, i  
John: i wanted  
John: i wanted to BE you  
John: vriska, do i  
John: vriska, do i want  
John: what does this mean, vriska???  
VRISKA: Why are you afr8d, John?  
VRISKA: Haven't you 8een afr8d enough?

Your heart is beating fast. It's like you've been scratching at an itch for over a decade and now, without any warning, you hit it at last. Years of tension uncoils in your stomach as you finally let yourself think about who you always wanted to be. 

John: oh.  
VRISKA: Uhuh.  
John: ohhhhhhhh.  
VRISKA: Yup.  
John: wow.  
VRISKA: I know, right?  
John: ...  
VRISKA: ::::)  
John: fuck!!

Is this it? Is this really all it's been? All that depression and doubt and fear, fear so thoroughly suffusing your consciousness you couldn't even quantify it, fear like wall paper, fear that watched you from every surface and judged you for every move you made, every new thing you tried... 

All of that was about this? 

All that trouble over some fucking gender??? 

John: this is so dumb  
John: this doesn't mean anything! so why do i feel so  
John: so what if i want to be, a,  
John: so what?? what does that have to do with,  
John: with everything  
John: i  
John: oh god  
VRISKA: You're clearly thinking it, John.  
VRISKA: You might as well say it.

You look at her, tears stinging at the edge of your eyes AGAIN, and she's... smiling? It's a warmer smile than you ever thought that face could have. It doesn't make this easier. If anything, it makes things worse because you know it's not really her. You don't know who she is, or what she is... 

Except... you do? You have to, at least on some level. You never would have been so afraid of her if you didn't. 

Your hands are trembling. You look at them, trying to make sense of the chaos swirling around in your head. It feels like a million stars are lighting up in your blood. When was the last time you breathed? Is there even air in this place?? 

She slips her hand into yours. You notice that her skin isn't the signature grey of trolls, instead hewing closer to your own. At this point, it doesn't surprise you. You give her palm a gentle squeeze. 

John: i...  
John: do i want to be a girl?  
VRISKA: You tell me.  
John: ...  
John: oh fuck.  
John: i want to be a girl. 

She kneels down in front of you, and for a moment she stares at you with that same warm, toothy grin. As she leans forward, the light seems to shift- and now you see her face, really see it, for the first time. 

And it's... yours? 

You feel her arms wrap around your shoulders as she pulls you into a tight embrace, and for the second time this week you bawl so hard it feels like dying. 

\---- 

Your weight shifts as you slip off the tree, startling yourself awake. Your face is soaked with tears, and your heart is still racing. 

Earth C again. Back here. Back home. 

The sky is stained a milky blue that's slowly filling in from the glow of the morning sun. You definitely didn't intend to be out here this long, but you guess you can't really complain, can you? 

VRISKA: Good morning. ::::)  
John: yeah, it is. that's... new.  
VRISKA: 8etter get used to it, punk! This train's left the st8ion and there's no turning 8ack now.  
John: ...  
John: good.

You stand up and stretch, the environment around you still feeling a little surreal after such an intense session in the void. Your eyes scan the horizon, looking for nothing in particular. It's just... 

You're here. 

VRISKA: Yes we are!

We're here. 

John: yeah...

You hear a ping from your phone and pull it out to see a heap of messages from Dave, and a few from Jade, Rose, Kanaya... even Jake is in on the action! Why the fuck... 

Oh. Of course. Kanaya wakes up early to go work in the brood caverns, and she checks up on you every morning to see if you need anything. Knowing how unstable you were just a few days ago, she'll have immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion and gone straight to Rose. From there, they'll have sent a string of messages to everyone who might have any idea where you would go if you decided to- 

John: Wow, I REALLY let my reput8ion fall to shit, huh?  
VRISKA: yeah, that's definitely something we need to work on.

Even as you're walking through all this in your head, you get a call from Dave. The line connects mid shout. 

(Karkat: -K HIS ASS!!!!!)  
(Dave: no shut up)  
(Dave: wait oh shit he picked up)  
(Karkat: JUST LIKE THAT?)  
(Dave: yeah just like that now shut up)  
(Karkat: DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP)  
Dave: john my dude are you okay  
Dave: not that im worried or anything obviously i know how chill you are  
Dave: but there are some hysterical broads myself and karkat definitely not included who are losing their entire shit at this particular moment  
Dave: just dropping deuces all over the place like they shotgunned a bottle of ipekak  
(Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING??)  
Dave: so could you do me a solid and just let me know if youre like  
Dave: going to kill yourself or something  
Dave: not gonna lie itd be hella inconvenient if that was a thing you planned to do  
John: i...  
John: uhm.  
John: pffffffff...  
John: hahahahahahahaha!  
Dave: uhh okay thats definitely not an answer to the question  
Dave: if this is your attempt to prove that you arent off the deepest of ends right now then let me just say  
Dave: not working bro  
John: Aaaaaaaah, I'm sorry!  
John: i just, it's,  
John: Ahem. No. I'll 8e fine.  
John: i don't think i'll be going anywhere else tonight.  
John: pffffpphff hehehe  
Dave: wow john  
Dave: this is the most convinced ive ever been of anything in my whole life  
Dave: call off the search party everybody turns out our boy's a-okay  
(Karkat: WHAT? REALLY?)  
(Dave: no not really)  
(Dave: very not really)  
Dave: john can you just tell me where you are so we can come get you  
Dave: obviously i think its dumb and a waste of time like you are so clearly the most absurdly chill motherfucker right now i can practically feel the cool breeze from my phone  
Dave: but you know  
Dave: for the broads  
John: Uhuh. The 8roads. Yup!  
John: i'm at a big hill looking over can town, by a weird tree.  
John: 8asically the highest point for miles. Can't miss it.  
Dave: okay cool were on our way give us like 5 minutes  
Dave: if you do something stupid between now and then like oh i dont know disappear from the universe and make us forget you ever existed for instance  
Dave: there is going to be a sternly worded letter  
John: how stern?  
Dave: like a midwestern mom writing into the government because their middle child heard a cuss on the tv  
John: Wow! Guess i'd 8etter not do anything stupid.  
Dave: yeah no shit  
John: hey uh, i'm going to set the phone down for a sec  
Dave: wow definitely dont do that  
Dave: thats the least helpful thing you could possibly do right now  
John: I promise I'm not going anywhere, I just...  
John: i need to feel the 8reeze  
Dave: john you are literally wind you can do that any time  
Dave: john are you there  
Dave: god damn it 

You put the phone in your pocket and take a few steps away to regard the sunrise. You realize you're making everyone worry unnecessarily, and you'll have a lot to apologize for later... but at this exact moment, it's hard to bring yourself to care. In fact, you... 

You. 

You? 

VRISKA: That doesn't feel right, does it?  
John: no, it doesn't.

When you think about why that might be, you realize that the simple act of reflecting back on your life feels completely different than it did just a few hours ago. It's like there was a fog over your memory before, but now it's mostly cleared away. You think back to your earliest memories, to your teen days, to the game, to Earth C. It doesn't all make sense yet, you're still pretty discombobulated from everything that's just happened. But you think you're starting to understand. 

John: you really aren't vriska.  
VRISKA: And you aren't really John. Not for much longer, anyway!  
John: ...huh.  
John: yeah, i guess you're right.  
John: wow, rose is gonna flip her lid when she hears about this!  
VRISKA: I know!!!!!!!! I can't w8 to tell her!  
John: so...  
John: who are we?  
VRISKA: >::::?  
VRISKA: Hmmmmmmmm.

"You" is a fraught concept. For some people, "you" is so easy they never even have to think about it. They wake up in the morning, they look in the mirror, and they see precisely the "you" they expect to see. 

Not everyone is that lucky. 

It's not that you were born in the wrong body. Your body is YOUR body. 

But there was a disquieting thing that started to happen as you got older. You started to see the pieces of yourself that failed to line up. Who you thought you were, who your father expected you to be, who you wanted to be... it's like you were being pulled in several directions at once, and you completely lacked the language and experience to understand what that meant, or how you might fix it. So you did what all kids do. 

You turned it into a story. As if it was happening to someone else. 

Narrativizing your life was the only effective way you could ever come up with to process the accelerating disharmony of your adolescence. It didn't make things easier, but it removed you from the trauma of your personhood being torn apart. Made it a little more tolerable. 

But it also had a cumulative effect that wound up obscuring you from what the problem was in the first place. After all, when you are both "you" and "I", someone watching and someone watched, you basically can't put the pieces together because everywhere you point the finger is the wrong direction. 

But even still, she was waiting for you. Yelling at you to get your shit together, trying like hell to make you really see yourself. And with her help, you did finally put the pieces together, didn't you? 

And now you're... 

Now we're...

Now I...

I am,

Oh.

I can already feel myself laughing again. When was the last time I laughed this hard? Holy moly. It's not even that funny! If I'm being honest with myself, it's actually probably the least funny thing I can think of right now.

And yet, I can't stop laughing.

I'm laughing because I'm relieved. Because it's... actually starting to make sense.

The sunrise is in full swing, and I can see my friends flying towards me. Is that Karkat shouting at me, or a rude bird? Before I can figure it out, Jade zaps into place next to me, hair disheveled and glasses barely hanging on to the tip of her nose.

Jade: JOHN WHAT THE FUCK????  
Jade: I WAS SO-

I wrap my arms around my sister, and I can feel myself crying already. So much crying! But it's... joyful this time? Is that a version of crying that normal people usually experience?

J???: I'm sorry.  
J???: I didn't mean to worry 8nyone, I just,  
J???: jeez J8 I have a LOT to tell you!!  
J???: I needed to go for a walk and I kind of dozed off and...

I hear my friends land nearby and immediately break out into a cacophony of Are You Okay and What were you thinking? and please tell us what's going on and By jove! and I'M GOING TO KICK HIS ASS and I know they're all really worried about me because they care. They care about ME! Wow. That's... a lot.

I peel back from Jade's shoulder and turn my definitely gross-looking smile to the crowd.

J???: hey everyone.  
J???: sorry to worry you, I just, uh...  
J???: eheheh, haha, ehh ahem, no, sorry.  
J???: okay.  
J???: I uh  
J???: well  
J???: I want to 8e a girl?  
J???: no, fuck that actually  
J???: I'm a girl now  
J???: and you can call me...  
June: JUNE!!  
Dave: ...  
Jade: ...  
Rose: ...  
Kanaya: ...  
Karkat: ...  
Jake: ...  
Dave: yo what the fuck


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING for: discussion of presumed suicidal intent, some transphobia

Rose: So let me get this straight.  
Rose: There's a place outside not just our universe, but every other universe as well.  
Rose: A place that only you have access to.  
Rose: And in that place there's a semi-omnipotent and vaguely humanoid presence which seems to contain the absolute being of every person you have ever met.  
Rose: And that presence turned out to be your gender, which split off from you in your adolescence as part of the compartmentalization you underwent while sequestered in the deepest caverns of your metaphorical closet.  
Rose: After the aforementioned bifurcation, said gender inherited its semi-omnipotence as an unintended side effect of your retcon ability, its existence as a symbolic splitting of your identity given literal form as a cosmic artefact of your unfathomable and unconditional power over existential viability.   
Rose: Then, a few days after you disabused yourself of the notion that you were destined to atomize yourself and irreparably sever the fact of your existence from canon and instead decided you wanted to live your best life, your previously established semi-omnipotent gender accosted you in the form of Vriska Serket, with the explicit purpose of dragging you, kicking and screaming, out of the closet.  
Rose: And now, you and your mind-Vriska have psychologically synthesized into a new person, who is a girl, whose name is June Egbert.  
Rose: Did I get all of that right?  
June: more or less!  
June: pretty weird, huh?  
Rose: Pretty weird. Yes, that's definitely a way to put it.

We're sitting in Rose's living room, which is crowded wall to wall with a concerned gaggle of friends. Every single person here is looking at me like I'm crazy, and I guess I can't blame them. I might think I was crazy too, if I was anyone else but me.

June: I know how it sounds.  
June: you're pro8ably thinking that I'm off my rocker and that this is a cry for help, or a psychotic episode, or some other vaguely a8leist explan8ion.  
June: 8ut you've gotta believe me when I say that I have never felt this kind of clarity 8efore.  
June: I feel good!  
June: great, even!!!!!!!!  
Rose: I'm glad to hear that, Jo-  
Rose: June.  
Rose: But do you understand why we might be... a little skeptical?  
June: yeah I mean, I get it, it's a 8ig change and it's pretty sudden.  
June: I definitely wasn't expecting it either!  
June: 8uuuuuuuut it's also like  
June: a good thing? may8e the best thing.  
June: and I feel like you guys should 8e, I dunno. happier a8out it?

Rose spares a fleeting glance at Jade, who hesitantly shrugs. Her ears are pushed back against her head, shoulders bunched up tight, tail between her legs. Wow, furry body language is really easy to read! She might as well be screaming  JOHN IM WORRIED ABOUT YOU at the top of her lungs. 

But I don't exactly need anthropomorphic billboard signs to see the worried skepticism playing on everyone's faces. I see it in Kanaya's squint, in the way Jake is white-knuckle squeezing his own fingers. Karkat's chewing on his sweater, desperately trying not to say whatever he's literally chomping at the bit to say. Even Jane is here now, frantically juggling important business stuff on her phone despite her transparent distraction. And Dave is just... scratching his head and staring at the floor. I don't like that.

I'm starting to worry this might not go as smoothly as I expected.

Rose: It's not that we aren't happy for you, June, it's just-  
Dave: its fuckin bullshit is what it is

Rose whips her head in his direction, immediately exasperated.

Rose: Dave, that isn't helpful.  
Dave: oh oops sorry my bad  
Dave: hey remember that time our good buddy john fucked off from suicide watch and sent us all into a collective panic frenzy trying to find him but it turned out he was just taking a nap under a magic tree so he could go on a spirit journey to reunite with his gender  
Dave: wow it feels like it was just yesterday huh  
Dave: wait sorry my mistake it was literally two hours ago  
June: suicide watch?

I look at Rose just in time to catch a tiny grimmace, like she just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Except instead of cookies, it's lies. 

June: is that what this was??  
Kanaya: Not In Such Direct Terms  
Kanaya: We Just Wanted To Make Sure You Were Safe  
June: so when I said I was gonna try to go home, and you encour8ed me to keep sleeping on your couch...  
June: would you have stopped me if I tried to leave?  
Kanaya: We  
Kanaya: Weren't Sure If-  
Rose: Based on all the evidence Jade provided us, despite your newfound equilibrium we had no choice but to assume that you might still be a risk to yourself.  
Rose: This was never a judgement on your character. Tumultuous emotional episodes are often followed by aftershocks. It's just good practice to be prepared for the worst case scenario.  
June: so, w8,  
June: are you thinking THIS m8t be the worst case scenario????????  
Rose: Please try to see it from our point of view.  
Rose: You...  
Rose: Have to admit that it...  
Rose: Stretches believability.  
Rose: How often does a closeted transgender person just wake up with a new identity, nary a single doubt on their mind about who they are?  
Rose: And I'll be honest. In all the years I've known you, you never showed any signs of being in the closet. Gay? Maybe. But trans? I don't see it.  
June: wow, that's defin8ly a thing you just said!  
Rose: I'm not saying that you are just going through some kind of stress-related fugue and falling prey to hallucinatory phantasms. I am not saying that.  
Rose: But what you're saying doesn't make sense. Even for the kinds of things we have been through.  
Rose: I am...  
Rose: We are concerned.  
June: wow.  
June: okay.  
June: look, I get 8eing surprised?   
June: I still have a lot of questions a8out me myself!  
June: which is exactly why it really fucking irks me that instead of joining me in this 8izarre adventure of gender discovery,  
June: gendiscoventure, if you will,  
June: YOU'RE 8LL ACTING LIKE A 8UNCH OF JUDGMENT8L CREEPS!!!!!!!!

It is immediately clear that this outburst has not helped my case. I feel an impulse to capitulate, to apologize. It's the muscle memory of someone who didn't know enough about themselves to really fight back.

Jake: Alright chaps i think we can all agree that tensions are getting a bit high!  
Jake: Obviously our friend has gone through something as monumental as it was taxing and as such this might not be the most ideal circumstance for an inquisition.  
Jake: So why dont we all cheer up go get some malts and reconvene at a later date?  
Dave: yeah thats one plan for sure  
Rose: Dave, now is not the time.  
Dave: oh sorry didnt realize i was the one bringing down the mood  
Dave: here i was thinking vriska egbert over here got that particular train rolling by calling us creeps with their outside voice  
June: what's your fucking problem, D8ve?  
Dave: dunno man  
Dave: it feels like my best friend just did an acrobatic fucking pirhouette off the handle straight into the deep end while flipping me the most spiteful of birds the whole way down  
Dave: maybe im kinda pissed that youre acting like a different person now and you expect me to be cool with that  
Dave: like ive been standing here for the last twenty minutes listening to your clownshoes vriska-kin fantasy trying to figure out where the fucking prank is  
Dave: not to mention you left me hanging when i thought you were about to off yourself  
Dave: so thats you know  
Dave: pretty righteously inconsiderate  
June: you're right. it WAS inconsider8.  
June: I'm sorry. there! are you happy now????????  
Dave: damn that was one vriska ass apology  
Dave: at least youre staying in character  
June: char8cter???????? do you think I'm putting on a show for you??  
June: what could I possi8ly g8n from a pointless pr8nk like that?  
June: believe me Strider, I really would rather 8e just about anywhere else than in this fucking room r8t now, 8ut I feel bad for making you all worry a8out me!  
June: I owed you an explan8ion.  
June: 8ut I don't owe you another apology.  
June: and I DEFIN8LY don't owe you the patience to sit here and let you interrog8 my fucking identity!!!!!!!!  
June: I know who I am and if you don't like it, you can all get FUCKED!  
Dave: oh  
Dave: cool  
Dave: peace out then

Without a moment of hesitation, Dave pushes through the crowd and out the front door, slamming it dramatically behind him. Karkat puts his hands in his hair and looks at me with a mix of emotions I can't quite pin down.

Karkat: I'M SORRY JUNE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE UNHOLY FUCK THIS IS ABOUT.

He looks like he has more to say, but instead he leans his head back and groans, then launches himself towards the door. He hesitates in the entryway and looks back at me.

Karkat: YOU'RE VALID AND I SUPPORT YOU AND I'M SORRY I DIDN'T SAY SO SOONER.

Then he leaves, closing the door behind him with care. From the other side, I can hear him shout Dave's name.

Jane: Sheesh, this sucks.  
Jane: I have already stayed a lot longer than I should have, but I just want to say, John-  
June: JUNE. >:(  
Jane: June. Right. My apologies, that's going to take some getting used to.  
Jane: I just wanted to say that if you decide to pursue any sort of medical route and require the use of feminizing pharmaceuticals, please do let me know.  
June: oh, uhhh... th8nk you?  
Rose: Jane, don't you think that might be a bit premature?  
Jane: Well, I suppose that's her choice, isn't it? :B  
Jane: Now if you'll excuse me.  


I scratch my head as we all watch her go. Two steps forward one step back, I guess? I hear Rose heave a theatrical sigh, and I look back to see her rubbing the bridge of her nose.

Rose: This is not going how I wanted it to.  
June: oh yeah?  
Rose: I thought we could have a calm discussion about this and just talk about it like adults.  
Rose: Clearly I misjudged the gravity of the situation.  
June: oh, you misjudged?  
June: yeah I'd say that a8out fits the bill, all things considered!  
Rose: Can you at least acknowledge that my concerns are justified?  
Rose: You aren't acting like yourself!  
Rose: For all any of us know, you've been possessed by a dark cosmic entity that's intent on corrupting your mind and using you for nefarious ends.  
Rose: And it's not as though Vriska was known for her charitable and compassionate nature anyway! Even your own personal best case scenario doesn't bode well for you.  
Kanaya: Maybe We Should Do What Jake Suggested And Table This Conversation For Another Day  
Jake: Yes jolly good i concur!  
June: Rose, I...

Am I starting to cry again?

June: I thought you would 8e excited about this.

Oh god, I'm starting to cry again. I look over at Jade, hoping for some support, but she looks like a dog in headlights. Scared. Stuck in indecision.

What is this? There's no decision to m8ke, Jade! You're my sister! And if that's not enough, you're a furry! You should GET th8s!!!!!!!! I'm pleading her with my eyes, but she refuses to meet my gaze. It's so... so...

INFURI8ING!

A gust of wind peels off down my chest and swirls around the floor, filling the room and sending stray pieces of paper into the air. Open books flip their own pages with abandon. Everyone's hair is dancing. Finally, Jade looks at me.

But that's all she does.

I whip around to stare down Rose and begin to shout.

June: of all people I thought YOU would 8e on 8oard for this!  
June: how many years have you 8een picking my br8n apart trying to di8gnose me with whatever fucking person8lity disorder you read about that d8y?  
June: this is a godd8mn freudian GOLD MINE and i was so excited to let you go to t8wn on me! >:'(  
June: "acting like myself"????????  
June: you don't even know who I am!  
June: may8e I'm pushing 8ack all rude-like bec8use I fin8lly have something to f8t for!!!  
Rose: I didn't mean-  
June: it must re8lly piss you off that all your years of psycho8nalysis still f8led to see this coming.  
June: but obviously if it doesn't m8ke sense to YOU then there's gotta be something wrong with ME, r8??  
Rose: That's not-  
June: also! also!!!!!!!!  
June: even if I was an unw8tting host for some nefarious eldr8ch presence, what difference would it m8ke??  
June: that shit happened to YOU and you came 8ack just fine!  
June: 8ut of course you c8me out unsc8thed because you're alw8ys in control, always on t8p of things, 8LWAYS SO RIGHT AND SO RE8DY FOR EVERYTH8NG  
June: not like me! how could I POSSI8LY withst8nd that kind of pressure?? I'm just a dolt stum8ling my way through life like a tum8le weed!  
June: poor JOHN thinks HE'S 8 girl now, it must 8e pathologic8l!! 8etter interrog8 HIM in front of EVERYONE HE KNOWS, bec8use we all know that HE can't know himself as well as I DO.  
June: hey, here's a fun th8t experiment to add to your fucking rout8ne!  
June: ::::o  
June: what if you're just WRONG???

As I say that last word, my wind falls completely dead. It's all out now. The anger dissipates into a mild exhaustion. In the sudden silence, my heavy breathing feels like thunder.

Rose looks shaken. Kanaya has a hand on her shoulder, gripping harder than is probably comfortable. She's looking at me like I just attacked her wife. Which... I guess I kind of did?

There's that muscle memory again, begging me to grovel and apologize for saying what I said. But the thing is,

The THING is.

I'm fucking right!! I probably could have handled myself with a cooler head, but the fact remains that her personal wokeness blind spots are not my responsibility! Kanaya can glare at me all she likes. I won't apologize.

When I look at Jade, I see her crouching at the base of the wall, head buried in her knees. What's wrong with you, Jade? Why aren't you standing next to me right now?

You said you'd always fight for me.

Rose opens her mouth to speak, but she's trembling. I don't think I've ever seen her look as lost as she does right now. Is it bad that I take just a hint of pleasure from the knowledge that she's feeling the way I used to feel all the time?

Rose: June... I-

Just then, Roxy kicks the fucking door in and storms into the house with two armfuls of champagne. Calliope jaunts in behind her, a party hat strapped to their head.

Roxy: yo congrats egbitch! lmao  
Calliope: sorry we're late! when we saw yoUr messages obvioUsly we came rUnning!  
Calliope: we broUght mild libations to celebrate the occasion.  
Roxy: i try 2 stay off the sauce but if u think im gonna miss gettin BLASTED with the fuckin NEW GIRL on the SQUAD  
Roxy: uh  
Roxy: is the party over, or

The two of them look around the room, suddenly very aware of their complete misjudgment of what this event was apparently supposed to be. I glance back at Rose and the others and I just...

I feel tired.

I think I'm done with this.

June: I was just a8out to leave, actually!  
Calliope: oh. oh! why don't we go back to oUr place and continUe the festivities there? ^u^  
June: wow, that sounds pleasant as fuck. let's go!  
Roxy: is uh. is everything ok?

She looks back and forth between me and Rose.

June: peachy keen, as they proba8ly like to say somewhere. let's goooooooo!

I stand up and, hopefully not with too much urgency or force, usher them out of Rose and Kanaya's house.

I hear the shuffling of feet as Rose stands up from her chair and walks in our direction.

Rose: June, wait!

I close the door behind me and march us out into the street as fast as I can. It seems like Callie is acting deliberately ignorant for my sake, but Roxy looks decidedly unsure.

Roxy: r u ok  
June: oh yeah.  
June: I'm so okay it's crimin8l.  
June: here, let me carry some of those.  
Roxy: rly its no big i can just void em like who gives a shit?  
Roxy: but uh if it makes u feel better thn yeh these fuckers r heavy  
June: th8nk you  
Roxy: wow  
Roxy: u sound rly dif sumhow  
Roxy: i dig it  
Calliope: yes! yoU've clearly matUred a lot in a very short span of time!  
June: yeah? well don't let Rose hear that. or Dave. or fucking 8nyone, I guess! 8ecause to them I'm cle8rly not in control of my fac8lties, I'm a fuckin 8aby for how m8ture they think I am.  
Roxy: juney uh  
Roxy: wtf happened back there

Before I can answer, there's a telltale pop from just behind us, and there stands Jade looking really fucked up. I stop walking as she approaches. Her face is freshly covered in tears. She looks flushed. Sad. Angry. Like she just got done screaming at the top of her lungs. Jade sniffles and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. When she speaks, her voice is hoarse.

Jade: june im sorry  
June: oh yeah?? that's neat  
June: by the way, th8nks for having my back in there, really goddamn cool knowing you're in my corner!  
Jade: whine :(  
Jade: im sorry! i know i screwed up but please just listen for a minute  
June: >::::|  
Jade: i tried so hard to say something but i just felt... paralyzed  
Jade: i was so scared for you this morning and unlike literally everyone else in that room i knew what your face looked like when you started to disappear!!!!!  
Jade: you were so sad  
Jade: and so resigned to giving up  
Jade: and i just!

Her voice catches against a sob that she can barely hold back.

Jade: i kept thinking, what if he backslides, what if he-  
Jade: !!! <:x  
Jade: sorry, she!  
Jade: what if SHE has another moment of weakness and no ones around to talk her down?  
Jade: what if she disappears and we just never hear from her again??  
Jade: what if i forgot she ever existed at all??????????  
Jade: all these what ifs bouncing around in my brain every time i checked in with rose and kanaya to make sure you were ok  
Jade: so when i saw the text saying they didnt know where you went...  
Jade: :'(  
Jade: i thought i knew what i would do in that situation but  
Jade: i just froze  
Jade: and i couldnt figure out why  
Jade: eventually i shook out of it when dave told us where you were but then it happened again today!!!  
Jade: i kept trying to shake myself out of it but i just couldnt  
Jade: and i realized its because  
Jade: if you wanted to do something really stupid  
Jade: i couldnt possibly hope to stop you  
June: I... can appreci8 that, i guess.  
June: but I really needed your help tod8y.  
Jade: i know.  
Jade: i know!  
Jade: but i was still so scared from this morning and i saw everyone else air their doubts and i kept thinking  
Jade: are they right?  
Jade: maybe theyre right...  
Jade: what if theyre right????? wouldnt that risk be worth it if it meant keeping you here??  
Jade: is it okay to keep you living if it means you hate everyone?  
Jade: i dont know! i didnt have an answer  
Jade: but then you left anyway  
Jade: and i felt like a fucking idiot!!!!!  
Jade: what the fuck was i doing in there just standing around while the people who were supposed to be your FRIENDS poked and prodded my sister like a goshdanged science experiment?  
Jade: im so so so so so sorry june

She laughs a little, surprising even herself. Despite everything, I can't help but smile a little in return.

Jade: you seem really happy!  
Jade: i saw it even though mostly you spent the morning shouting at the top of your lungs  
Jade: i dont know.  
Jade: i love you  
Jade: youre my friend and my sister and i love you so much and i just want you to be safe!  
Jade: im sorry i let you down.  
Jade: please forgive me? :(  
June: J8...  
June: Jade.  
June: I love you too.  
June: 8ut all I have ever 8een is safe.  
Jade: <:?  
June: I'm... eh,  
June: I am so tired of s8fety.  
June: 8eing alive doesnt matter if all you do is hide in your room and w8.  
June: and that's 8een me for as long as I can remem8er.  
June: may8e that's all of us, I dunno...  
June: but for me, r8t here, r8t now?  
June: I don't want to be safe.  
June: and honestly,  
June: no.  
June: I don't forgive you.  
Jade: <:'o  
June: because it's not my jo8 to forgive you.  
June: I want you in my life 8ut right now I just...  
June: nearly everybody I thought I could trust let me down this morning.  
June: on the one day I proba8ly needed them most.  
June: and that includes you.  
Jade: june im so sorry-  
June: I don't w8nt your 8pol8gy!!!!!!!!

She takes a step back and I can practically feel her guilt. Once again, the dog ears help. A part of me really wants to hug her. She's the last person on Earth C I want to hurt right now.

But she doesn't know me like she thought she did.

None of them do.

And neither do I.

Jade: then   
Jade: what do you want?  
June: ...  
June: i don't know.  
June: i want to get drunk.

I look back at Roxy and Calliope, who have been standing there with astonishing awkwardness this entire conversation. Roxy looks up from her phone and raises a skeptical brow.

Roxy: u done w all the uhh  
Roxy: angst n shit?  
June: for now.  
Roxy: cooooooooooooool then lets get outa the middle of th street n go tie 1 or more the fuck on  
Calliope: i dont know that i care overmUch for alcohol bUt i woUld certainly like to be somewhere that isnt where we are right now!  
Roxy: yeh thatd b preeeetty great tbh

Jade crosses her arms and seems... lost. Staring at the concrete. She glances up at me with uncertainty. I manage a faint smile.

Her face cracks into an expression of complete heartbreak. Before I can say anything, she disappears.

June: ...  
June: god damn it  
Roxy: dang u rly burnin bridges 2day huh  
Roxy: whatevs juney, lets split  
Roxy: o wait is it cool if i call u that?  
June: sigh.  
June: honestly?  
June: it's fucking am8zing.


End file.
